Conservatives against Global Warming

To: Members only
From: Strategy Coordinator
Subject: Supporting the policies against Global Warming.

Many of you are against anything to do with global warming because you believe that the climate we have now is the same as when Adam and Eve lived in the Garden of Eden a few thousand years ago, and weather-wise, not much has changed since then, and those Godless, evolution believing liberals are trying to lure us from our righteous path, or your business's bottom line would suffer if you had to comply with any more pollution regulations.

However, a greater good is possible if those bleeding heart liberals' theory just happens to be true. For one thing, if it is true, it could lead to their own undoing and what can be wrong with that.

If global warming is stopped, then the Ice Age will surely return, and the glaciers that result in the Ice Age will return. They will build in north central Canada and eventually move south. New York City will be wiped off the face of the earth, as well as, the rest of that liberal infestation in New England. Most major cities in the northern U.S. will be cleaned away. I don't know about you, but this sounds like a catastrophe of biblical proportions.

What finer retribution than to have the liberals win their cause against global warming and be wiped clean from the face of the earth. Sounds like Divine retribution and you should support it by sending us what ever you can afford to give.

We will use the money to further the struggle against global warming, and unlike those Godless liberals, we will work as God's instruments to bring justice to a Godless group of people who should be purged from the surface of this earth -- a form of cleansing that is long overdue.

Pray that we are as successful here as we have been in passing judgement over others before. And send us whatever you can afford.

Reading Chertoff's Entrails

To: Republican Party Operatives
From: The Decider's Strategy Group
Subject: Al Qaeda Bound to Attach America

As we're sure you've heard – and then again, you know how good our intelligence is – M. Chertoff, our director of that Homeland Security gambit we thought up to placate people after 9/11, has a gut feeling that al Qaeda is going to attack the U.S. this summer. Even though Michael's gut was totally unperturbed by what was going on in the New Orleans Superdome during Katrina, this one is going to fit in nicely with our planned strategy. (Given that none of our strategies – other than the one to get elected and re-elected – have ever worked, maybe random chance will fall in our favor and this one just might work.)

Our plan is for the attack to come during the September report on the "Surge", which we know, is going to be bad, and it will deflect attention away from the dismal report – right when we need it. Our intelligence and Michael's gut says it will be on the East cost so that means it will probably be on the West cost. Something out in Hollywood, which of course, would benefit us by heightening tension and killing a bunch of liberals at the same time. Is this not a great country or what?

All those independent right wing rant radios shows are on board and will talk about the Democrat Congress' appeasement bills and how we are fighting for our survival and they want to withdraw, cut and run along with tax and spend and allowing gays to marry – anything to detract from our dismal failure in Iraq.

Now, none of the attackers will be from Iraq. Most, if not all, will be from our friends in Saudi Arabia, trained in the camps in our ally Pakistan, with maybe some field testing in Iraq, however, they will be linked to al Qaeda in Iraq no matter how trivial to nonexistent that linkage may be. We linked it before the invasion and we continue to link it even today. The linkage to Iraq will justify our being over there.

It will justify our fighting over there what we should be fighting over here.

Once the attack comes, and once we link it back to al Qaeda in Iraq, we are sure to be locked into the continued war in Iraq until we can get out of office, which of course is our ultimate goal.

So, the spin doctors are coming up with some good sayings like the following:

The attack was due to the dithering of the Democrat controlled Congress.
Not enough sons of Democrats have died in Iraq like that Jarhead Senator from Virginia.
Liberals are so dastardly, you can't even figure out how they are connected.

You can say anything; just don't mention the war in Iraq.

One of Our Plans Actually Worked

While the memo by Steven Hadley that appeared in the NYTimes, Nov. 29, and the one by Rumsfled that appeared Dec. 2 got lots of attention, another leaked memo got little coverage – except here.

To: Neocon Strategy Group
From: Your Neocon Coordinator
Date: November 25, 2006
Subject: Planting Memos in New York Times – Attention Spin Department

Just to let you know, we plan to play the NYTimes as if we were a straight man with the goofiest of second bananas. Two memos will appear in the next few days. The scoop hungry guys over at the Times will do anything to satisfy their need for gratification. (Or is it validation?)

We thought the loss of Judith Miller, who was one of the best month pieces we ever had, would mean a loss of backdoor access to America's front page, but these memos proves there are still a supply of gullible reporters to take her place. It has been some time since the aspens were at their peak and Scooter whispered sweet nothings in Judith’s ear. She was so ambitious and apparently her editors were too. A city full of Jimmy Olson's and no Superman.

One would think that a leak from an organization that has no leaks would be suspicious, but they took it, hook, line, and sinker. (Or is it stinker?) They bought the whole bit. First Steve’s memo, the one that shows that we are still strategizing our involvement in Iraq and then Rummy’s will just be icing on the cake. He can still rule though he no longer rules.

The third time’s the charm. First we were wrong about WMD’s, and then second, we were wrong about installing democracy and freedom, so third, we have to be right about getting Maliki to move away from Sadr. Of this we are sure.

And do not worry about our old ex-friend Chalabi who we know contributed considerably to our first two misconceptions about Iraq. And it is not true that we and the country we run were his goofy second banana.

So keep the spirit of Neo-conservatism. These leaks will get us out of Iraq the same way our leaks got us into Iraq.

Stem Cells Cure Homos

If we are so right, how could we be
wrong?

To: Right to Life Strategy Team Members
From: Strategic Coordinator
Subject: Stem Cell Research Could Lead to a Cure for Homosexuality

A rumor has been floating around that stem cell research could lead to a cure for homosexuality. It is nothing more than that, a rumor. We all know that homosexuality can only be cured with religious intervention, prayer, and monitored behavior modification.

While many of you had no problem towing the party line to prevent any stem cell research no matter how many people with Parkinson's disease, spinal cord injuries, or Alzheimer's may call for relief, the possibilities of curing one of nature's worse abominations was just too much to resist. How could anyone with righteous indignation not be tempted to support a way to return these sinners to the path of God – especially when many of them do not even want to be cured?

If God intended for homos to be cured by stem cells, He would have done it when the homos were stem cells themselves. This is just another ploy by Godless liberals to undermine our purpose and cause. Liberals are too smart and know-it-alls for their own good. They can neither plan nor organize, but every now and then, they do stumble over a good idea, politically. And this rumor is a case in point, so pay no heed to this rumor or the hope it portends.

Plan the work and work the plan. Keep you eyes focus on our ultimate goal. The saving of all those frozen embryos is part of our long range plan. The rumor that they eventually destroy those frozen embryos is no truer than the one about finding no WMD’s in Iraq. Keep you faith in our own “Dear Leader.”

Our brother in good faith, President Bush, has taken the steps necessary to save all the frozen embryos by vetoing the latest ploy of those that would undermine our moral fiber. Today, we save embryos, tomorrow, we save every egg and sperm. If the joining of egg and sperm creates an entity and individual with all the constitutional rights of the born, then the egg and sperm should have at least half those rights. We must work to preserve them all.

We can harvest the eggs from our daughters and milk our sons so they will not waste their precious body fluids in self abuse. The gathered eggs and sperm can be retained, preserved, and later joined to create life in a way that does not involve any nasty sexual acts.

We are diligently working on the artificial womb so that every fertilized egg will have a home. And of course, we needn’t unhook them from the machines, at the end of gestation. Why awaken them, they can do God’s work in their induced sleep, never coming to so they can go their sinful ways. We are working to keep the old and infirm hooked to machines even when they and their family wish them disconnected. We fought the good fight for Terri’s soul. The unborn and those who would die a natural death are the first we will hook up to the machines.

Our campaign to blame the Matrix on artificial intelligence is working. The movie by the same name was a great stroke of luck. Little does the public realize that hooking up the entire human race in pods of goo to insure no one on Earth is a sinner except in thought is our one and only master long-tem plan. Earth will have a clean slate just as we know that is what God wants of us.

So, pay no heed to rumors that stem cells will cure homos. Temping as the idea of curing gays may be, it is nothing more than an idealistic dream. Remember, those that will tell you that stem cells will cure diseases or make it possible for the lame to walk, are the same ones that support the teaching of evolution. Besides, we can not risk our long term plan of loading everyone into the Matrix.

Ahmadinejad, My Pen Pal

To: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran
From: George W. Bush, President of the United States
Subject: RE: Your letter to me

DRAFT

Thank you for your correspondence and kind words. I get so few these days, certainly, a lot less than I used to. I envy your not needing to worry what people think about you. It must be nice to be able to silence any dissenters by locking them away – if that's what you do to them. We may secretly experiment with that before my administration is over. At any rate, I will try to respond; however, composition was never one of my strong suites.

You asked a lot of questions. I normally only answer pre-approved questions. I find it oh so much easier. You should give it a try, if you are not doing it already. A lot of your questions deal with religious references. You may not know this since you have no press freedoms over there, but in my younger years, I was one real hell raiser. I didn't need no advisors on how to party, I could write a book – if I cared for writing – but now, I've been saved and all my sins were washed away. I'll let you in on a little secret: one of the reasons I invaded Iraq to overthrow Saddam was to do God's work. I'm His instrument here on earth. Being God’s instrument here on earth makes me one powerful man, and it’s one powerful vote getter, too.

I've got a question for you. How do you set up one of those religious states? I think that's what we need over here. I'm thinking a fundamental Christian United States would solve a lot of our problem. Make fundamental beliefs the law of the land. I've got a base group with potential fanatics in the congregation. That’s another thing we may secretly implement before I leave office. How do you make questioning the President a sin? I would sure like that one. Being the President is hard work.

We need us one of them religious states. I’m having a real problem with this thing we call the Constitution. It keeps getting in the way; we try to ignore it; but people just will not let it rest. Don’t they see that since I’m doing God’s work for their own good, when they try to check or balance me, they are fighting God. I’m sure if we could get us a religious state like one of those over in the Middle East, it wouldn’t be no time before we would be sending our children to blow themselves up and kill other children. I mean what good is a religion if it’s not killing thousands of innocent people in the name of God.

What was the high point of your presidency – other than writing me, lol. Mine was catching a fish on my ranch. I would of caught more, but I had to leave. They said some decisions were needing deciding, and that’s what I do. Decide. Fishing is much more fun than deciding. I’ve yet to catch a fish that came back to haute me. I can’t say the same about deciding.

[Second thought addition 5/14/06]
On the setting up of a religious state, when do you start teaching hate? I don’t mean some small minority of thought within the religion but when does it becomes the subject taught in all the schools? Or at least tolerated by those that should know better? When does that happen? Since you're a teacher, you're in a position to know. The egg-heads over here try to tell us that the teaching of hate is a terrible practice and that it will back fire on you and eat you up, but don’t pay them no never mind. Although something like that happen to me when me and Dick went around whipping up patriotic sentiment, using it for our own political purposes, it backfired on us in a port deal with a couple of our Arab business friends. That’s just a classic case of them egg-heads actually be right every now and then. It's like the butt of the joke is not the biggest ass in the room.
[End of second thought addition]

Well I’ve run on much more than I usually do, so I’m just going to close it here.

Blame the Liberals

To: Neocon Cabal
From: Social Director
Subject: Exit from Iraq (Solution in need of a strategy)

Keep an eye out for the liberals and their liberal biased MSM to move to a position for which we can exploit. We desperately need to shift the blame for our inevitable exit from Iraq. Things in Iraq did not go as we thought they would. Looks like things are going to turn ugly. In fact, they could turn very ugly; things could escalate to include the whole of the Middle East, and we do not want to get blamed for that. We don't want to become know as the O'leary Cow of the Middle East conflagration.

Getting stuck with the charge of total incompetent would surly retard our agenda. Don't forget, we still got Iran and North Korea to do. Democracy in Iraq is not all that we had hoped. Certainly not what we planned back in those memorial days in school and when we first took over the Pentagon – when the theories seemed so real. Theories and Aspens, those were the golden times.

The other insurgency, the one that will occur in the mid-term election if the Republicans lose the majority in either house, is not to be taken lightly. Investigations will be launched. There will be questions before committees. Repeatedly sitting at the table facing the committees having to answer questions will not look good even on Fox News. We need to have our strategy set before it happens, so will speak with one voice – rhetorically lockstep. We can only hope Karl will pull one of his election tricks and we will have two more years.

Some how we have got to blame the liberals for the sectarian violence that arose after we overthrew Saddam. We must maintain control of the 9/11 meme. Such as: After 9/11, conservatives saw a chance to introduce democracy and individual freedom into the Middle East in Iraq. After 9/11, liberals' pessimism about our Iraqi strategy ruined the whole thing.

Suggested talking points:

The MSM lost the war because it only reported things that made war look bad. We need to get Fox News to report on this as if it was the news. Fox is fighting a valiant effort to hold our idealist front against the onslaught of distressing facts. Make the MSM the news. It's worked so well before.

As bad as it was in Iraq, it's better to have that happen over there instead of over here. This line has held up well, we should keep using it.

The Democrats' inability to organize any political resistance caused us to lose the war. The Democrats are so disorganized they will not be able to defend against the
charge.

Liberals are too wussy and caused the loss of the war. It is the liberals' lack of backbone and not our naïve strategy that loss the war.

It was liberals in the intelligence community that lead to the incorrect conclusion of the presents of WMD's. In fact, there are way too many liberals in the government. This could become a cause and distract attention away from the Iraq fiasco.

Ahmed Chalabi was actually a liberal. He is a liberal Shiite. Besides looking after his own interest, spying for Iran, he is a liberal. You know, you can’t trust a liberal.

When it comes to introducing democracy and individual freedom in the Middle East, it's the thought that counts.

Liberals lost the war because their questioning of the administration undermined its ability to wage war.

Not enough sons and daughters of Democrats volunteered for the army.

There are too many Democrats in the military. Look at all the returning veterans who are running as Democrats. They lost Iraq so they could come home and run against us.

Radical Islam is a secret liberal plot.

There were WMD's in Iraq but the liberals in the military hid them and the MSM went along with it.

When we are ready to make our exit from Iraq, have a blond, blue-eyed teenage girl with pouty lips kidnapped. That should distract the MSM long enough for us to sneak out of Iraq.

If the terrorist will not oblige us with an attack in the U.S., do something ourselves and blame the terrorist. Our debacle in Iraq would be forgotten, and as an added benefit, we could move forward our agenda for Iran and North Korea. This would really be winner for us. Something nuclear would really lock us in.

Anyway, get you thinking caps on, and give me a call if you think of anything. In fact, give me a call if any of you ever think – that would be a first for us.

And keep watching the liberals – they may hand us an out and we don’t have to do anything. After all, they gave us the presidency – twice.

Fall on Your Sword or Get Stabbed

This memo was leaked from the highest levels of the current administration. I found it at AnonymousSource dot com. All those unnamed sources I’ve been reading about in the papers and hearing about on TV have decided to move into the new century and set up a blog of their own. I pulled it down from there. Read fast the rightwing nuts will descend most precipitately and jump on me for being false of font and the watermark is more from a spill than by design.

To: W, our Main Prez
From: Your other cabal, your female side, The Texianiennes
Subject: What to do about Iraq

"I feel like a hitchhiker on the Texas plain during a hailstorm with no place to run and no place to hide,"

-- Fellow Texan LBJ, about another war

We know you don't like that old baddie "bad news," but you're such a big boy, and sometimes you have to take that old bad tasting medicine before you can feel good and go out and ride your bike.

However, before we can play, we have some chores to do. We've got us a mess to clean up. You know, some times a simple dusting just won't do: You just have to clean house. Throw everything out, scrub everything down, and get all new stuff. That type of house cleaning is sorely needed.

The best solution to the current unpleasantness in regards to Iraq would be to get rid of the entire Neocon hoard. The whole lot. Purge your administration starting with Rumsfeld and any and all people tainted by association with the politically embarrassing Neocon philosophy. They resign to pursue other interest or fire them. They told some oh so good stories, but we now know, they lack a healthy dose of reality. They lied to us and made you look like a liar. We know you certainly didn't make up those lies; it would have been way too much hard work for you to have done it.

Regulate the Big Dick to the traditional role of vice president. He still has other priorities than serving you or his country. Besides, wisecrack softly but carry a Big Dick didn’t work for you. Come home to moms’ home cooking.

For DOD, bring in some big name, as Reagan did with Howard Baker. We could pick the next president. Sister Condi would take back foreign policy, sister Karen will help with the PR, and you know you’re the man at home.

So, out with the old and in with the new. You will look decisive and in charge. Turn on them and we and the rest of the country will be right with you. You will rally the mid-term election and come away a winner here if not in Iraq.

We’re working on how to spin that.

Party for Chalabi like it's 1999

This memo actually leaked back before Thanksgiving when Ahmad Chalabi was returning to the states. It was posted at dailykos When another came my way, I decide to find a home for them.

To: Cabal Members
From: Your Fellow Neocon Social Director
Subject: Party for Chalabi

I don’t know if you heard – we all know how good our own intel is – but Ahmad Chalabi will be back in DC shortly and we all want to welcome back our old friend. We have a lot to talk about. We’ll let you know time and place when all the particulars go firm.

Of course, we will be presenting Ahmad with his award for “Best Use of Intelligence during the Run Up to the Second Iraqi War.” He may say a few words. He sure did not mind talking when he was here before. We are hoping he is bringing all those flowers we were promised during that time. Before the party, Ahmad will meet with Condi – that member of the other cabal in Big W’s life, the one involving powerful women – and he can fill us in on what they are up to. Anyway, we can laugh and talk like it was when he was here before, when theory and ideals were not tainted by reality. Ahmad could always tell a good story.

And Paulie, please, please, come. You’re our heart and soul. It’s your theories that got us were we are in the world today. When you said we would be out in less than two years, we thought you were talking about our military in Iraq, not yourself. Who da Wolfman? You da Wolfman!

And no party would be complete without our Big Dick. We are hoping he can make it. What with his work trying to exclude the CIA from the moral responsibility for basic human dignity of certain non-Americans – when you say you’re the good guys, you don’t have to act like good guys – and getting access to drill on the north slope, he may only be here a short while. Our Big W may drop by also, but his being present is irrelevant. However, his irrelevancy is important. As this duck become more lame, our power diminishes. That is why we need to make the most of our Big Dick’s presents.

The plans for the invasion of Iran and North Korea do not appear operative this term. Thus, we have got to get our Big Dick in that Oval Office in 2008. If we run him with care, his ticker should last long enough to get elected, and that is all we need. We will discuss the choice for vice president in a back room during the party.

Till then, remember we are the world.