Ahmadinejad, My Pen Pal

To: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran
From: George W. Bush, President of the United States
Subject: RE: Your letter to me

DRAFT

Thank you for your correspondence and kind words. I get so few these days, certainly, a lot less than I used to. I envy your not needing to worry what people think about you. It must be nice to be able to silence any dissenters by locking them away – if that's what you do to them. We may secretly experiment with that before my administration is over. At any rate, I will try to respond; however, composition was never one of my strong suites.

You asked a lot of questions. I normally only answer pre-approved questions. I find it oh so much easier. You should give it a try, if you are not doing it already. A lot of your questions deal with religious references. You may not know this since you have no press freedoms over there, but in my younger years, I was one real hell raiser. I didn't need no advisors on how to party, I could write a book – if I cared for writing – but now, I've been saved and all my sins were washed away. I'll let you in on a little secret: one of the reasons I invaded Iraq to overthrow Saddam was to do God's work. I'm His instrument here on earth. Being God’s instrument here on earth makes me one powerful man, and it’s one powerful vote getter, too.

I've got a question for you. How do you set up one of those religious states? I think that's what we need over here. I'm thinking a fundamental Christian United States would solve a lot of our problem. Make fundamental beliefs the law of the land. I've got a base group with potential fanatics in the congregation. That’s another thing we may secretly implement before I leave office. How do you make questioning the President a sin? I would sure like that one. Being the President is hard work.

We need us one of them religious states. I’m having a real problem with this thing we call the Constitution. It keeps getting in the way; we try to ignore it; but people just will not let it rest. Don’t they see that since I’m doing God’s work for their own good, when they try to check or balance me, they are fighting God. I’m sure if we could get us a religious state like one of those over in the Middle East, it wouldn’t be no time before we would be sending our children to blow themselves up and kill other children. I mean what good is a religion if it’s not killing thousands of innocent people in the name of God.

What was the high point of your presidency – other than writing me, lol. Mine was catching a fish on my ranch. I would of caught more, but I had to leave. They said some decisions were needing deciding, and that’s what I do. Decide. Fishing is much more fun than deciding. I’ve yet to catch a fish that came back to haute me. I can’t say the same about deciding.

[Second thought addition 5/14/06]
On the setting up of a religious state, when do you start teaching hate? I don’t mean some small minority of thought within the religion but when does it becomes the subject taught in all the schools? Or at least tolerated by those that should know better? When does that happen? Since you're a teacher, you're in a position to know. The egg-heads over here try to tell us that the teaching of hate is a terrible practice and that it will back fire on you and eat you up, but don’t pay them no never mind. Although something like that happen to me when me and Dick went around whipping up patriotic sentiment, using it for our own political purposes, it backfired on us in a port deal with a couple of our Arab business friends. That’s just a classic case of them egg-heads actually be right every now and then. It's like the butt of the joke is not the biggest ass in the room.
[End of second thought addition]

Well I’ve run on much more than I usually do, so I’m just going to close it here.