Sunday, July 15, 2007

Reading Chertoff's Entrails

To: Republican Party Operatives
From: The Decider's Strategy Group
Subject: Al Qaeda Bound to Attach America

As we're sure you've heard – and then again, you know how good our intelligence is – M. Chertoff, our director of that Homeland Security gambit we thought up to placate people after 9/11, has a gut feeling that al Qaeda is going to attack the U.S. this summer. Even though Michael's gut was totally unperturbed by what was going on in the New Orleans Superdome during Katrina, this one is going to fit in nicely with our planned strategy. (Given that none of our strategies – other than the one to get elected and re-elected – have ever worked, maybe random chance will fall in our favor and this one just might work.)

Our plan is for the attack to come during the September report on the "Surge", which we know, is going to be bad, and it will deflect attention away from the dismal report – right when we need it. Our intelligence and Michael's gut says it will be on the East cost so that means it will probably be on the West cost. Something out in Hollywood, which of course, would benefit us by heightening tension and killing a bunch of liberals at the same time. Is this not a great country or what?

All those independent right wing rant radios shows are on board and will talk about the Democrat Congress' appeasement bills and how we are fighting for our survival and they want to withdraw, cut and run along with tax and spend and allowing gays to marry – anything to detract from our dismal failure in Iraq.

Now, none of the attackers will be from Iraq. Most, if not all, will be from our friends in Saudi Arabia, trained in the camps in our ally Pakistan, with maybe some field testing in Iraq, however, they will be linked to al Qaeda in Iraq no matter how trivial to nonexistent that linkage may be. We linked it before the invasion and we continue to link it even today. The linkage to Iraq will justify our being over there.

It will justify our fighting over there what we should be fighting over here.

Once the attack comes, and once we link it back to al Qaeda in Iraq, we are sure to be locked into the continued war in Iraq until we can get out of office, which of course is our ultimate goal.

So, the spin doctors are coming up with some good sayings like the following:

The attack was due to the dithering of the Democrat controlled Congress.
Not enough sons of Democrats have died in Iraq like that Jarhead Senator from Virginia.
Liberals are so dastardly, you can't even figure out how they are connected.

You can say anything; just don't mention the war in Iraq.